Babies Make Everything Worse
by trishathetrashywriter
Summary: Things are going fine until Juliet has a baby. Romeo gets jealous of the attention the baby is getting and plots his demise. Based on the Leonardo DiCaprio film.
1. Chapter 1

Benvolio's POV

I saw my cousin Romeo asleep on the couch. There was a drool stain next to his mouth.

I walked over to him.

I lifted some strands of his hair, stroking it, then yanked it.

"Ow!" said Romeo as he woke up.

"Good morning, cuz," I said.

Romeo screamed.

I laughed.

"Looks like I scared the shit out of you!" I said.

"I was having the most wonderful dream," said Romeo.

"What about?" I asked.

"It was about a girl," said Romeo.

"Which girl? That Capulet girl?" I asked.

Romeo went into one of his dorky speeches.

"She was like an angel. Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still, Should, without eyes, see pathways to his will! Where shall we dine? O me! What fray was here? Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all. Here's much to do with hate, but more with love. Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate! O any thing, of nothing first create! O heavy lightness! Serious vanity! Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms! Feather of lead-"

I stifled laughter.

"Make fun of me, will ya!" said Romeo.

"Sorry," I said.

"Dost thou not respect my feelings?" said Romeo.

"I do, cuz," I said. "It was tears I was holding back."

"Well, I must be off on my way. Farewell, cousin!" said Romeo as he left.


	2. Chapter 2

Romeo walked away from the door and returned to me immediately.

"In sadness, cousin, I don't think I have the confidence to tell her," said Romeo. "Well, in that task you fail: she'll not be hit With the truth; Nor bide the encounter of assailing eyes, Nor open her lap to saint-seducing gold."

"Then she hath sworn that she will still live chaste?

"She hath, and in that sparing makes huge waste."

"Be ruled by me, don't focus on what she thinks of you."

"Teach me how she should forget to think."

"By giving liberty unto her eyes; Examine you more. Have thou not embarrassed yourself before? Have I not already seen you asleep on the couch with drool coming out of your mouth? Why, Romeo, art thou so shy?"

"Not shy, but bound more than a mad-man is; Shut up in prison, kept without my food, Whipp'd and tormented. Good day, good fellow."

I turned on the news.

"Now I'll tell you without asking the great rich Capulet holds an old accustomed feast-A fair assembly. Signior Placentio and his lovely daughters. The lady widow of Vitravio; and her lovely nieces Rosaline," said the newscaster.

"At this same ancient feast of Capulet's Sups the fair Rosaline whom thou so lovest, With all the admired beauties of Verona," I told Romeo.

"If you be not of the house of Montague come and crush a cup of wine," continued the newscaster.

"Go thither; and, with untainted eye, Compare her face with some that I shall show, And I will make thee think thy swan a crow," I said.

"I'll go along, no such sight to be shown, But to rejoice in splendor of mine own," said Romeo.

"Oh, that is so adorable," I said pinching his cheek.


	3. Chapter 3

Juliet's POV

I heard my mother calling my name.

"Juliet! Juliet! Juliet!"

She found the nurse.

"Nurse. Nurse, where's my daughter? Call her forth to me."

"I bade her come. God forbid! Juliet! Juliet! Juliet!" yelled the nurse.

"Coming!" I yelled as I ran up the stairs.

"Madam, I am here. What is your will?" I said in annoyance.

"Nurse, give leave awhile, We must talk in secret. Nurse, come back again; I have remember'd me, thou's hear our counsel. Nurse, Thou know'st my daughter's of a pretty age," said my mother.

I knew what she was going to talk to me about and it was about something I did not not look forward to.

"Thou wast the prettiest baby that I ever nursed," said the nurse.

I blushed in embarrassment.

"Nurse, you're embarrassing me! What is wrong with thee?" I said.

"By my count, I was your mother much upon these years, You are now a maid. Thus then in brief: The valiant Paris seeks you for his love," said my mother.

"A man, young lady! Lady, such a man As all the world- -why, he's a man of wax," said the nurse.

I sighed. I was the only one unhappy with the arranged marriage. I didn't love Paris, and he didn't love me in the right way.

"Verona's summer hath not such a flower," said my mother.

"Nay, he's a flower; in faith, a very flower," said the nurse.

"This night you shall behold him at our feast; Read o'er the volume of young Paris' face, And find delight writ there with beauty's pen; This precious book of love, this unbound lover, To beautify him, only lacks a cover: So shall you share all that he doth possess, By having him, making yourself no less," my mother told me.

"Nay, bigger; women grow by men," said the nurse

"Speak briefly, can you like of Paris' love?" said my mother.

"Oh, mother, shut up! I doth not love him. My heart doth not throb, for he is a snob! I'll look to like, if looking liking move: But no more deep will I endart mine eye Than your consent to give strength to make it fly," I said.

"Madam, the guests are come," said our servant.

"Go! We follow thee. Juliet, Blah!" said my mother.

"Go, girl, seek happy nights to happy days," said the nurse sympathetically.


	4. Chapter 4

Romeo's POV

I went to seek advice from my good friend, Mercutio.

"I am in love with Juliet, but I'm not sure she loves me back," I told him.

"Young hearts run free. Never be caught up, caught up like Rosaline and thee. Nay, gentle Romeo, we must have you dance," said Mercutio.

Rosaline was his ex-lover.

"Not I, Not I believe me: you have dancing shoes With nimble soles: I have a soul of lead," I said humbly.

"You are a lover; borrow Cupid's wings, And soar with them above a common bound," said Mercutio.

"Under love's heavy burden do I sink. I do not know what to think," I said.

"Too great oppression for a tender thing like you," said Mercutio.

"Am I a tender thing? Am I too selfish, Too cowardly, too naive, and I prick like a thorn in your rear end."

"If you be rude with her, she'll be rude with you. Prick you for pricking, and she beats you down," said Mercutio.

"Every man betake him to his legs," said Benvolio.

"But 'tis no wit to go," I said,

"Why, may one ask?" said Mercutio.

"I dream'd a dream this morning," I told him.

"And so did I," he said.

"Well, what was yours?" I asked.

"That dreamers often lie."

"In bed asleep, while they do dream things true."

"O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you. She is the fairies' midwife, and she comes In shape no bigger than an agate-stone On the fore-finger of an alderman, Drawn with a team of little atomies Over men's noses as they lie asleep; Her chariot is an empty hazel-nut Her wagoner a small grey-coated gnat, And in this state she gallops night by night Through lovers' brains, and then they dream of love; O'er lawyers' fingers, who straight dream on fees, Sometime she driveth o'er a soldier's neck, And then dreams he of cutting foreign throats, And being thus frighted swears a prayer or two And sleeps again. This is the hag, when maids lie on their backs, That presses them and learns them first to bear, Making them women of good carriage: This is she-This is she!"

"Romeo is out! Peace, good Mercutio, peace! Thou talk'st of nothing."

"True, I talk of dreams, Which are the children of an idle brain, Begot of nothing but vain fantasy, Which is as thin of substance as the air And more inconstant than the wind, who wooes Even now the frozen bosom of the north, And, being anger'd, puffs away from thence, Turning his face to the dew-  
dropping south,"

"What are you, a psychologist? This wind, you talk of, blows us from ourselves; Supper is done, and we shall come too late, yet before it is missed," said Benvolio.

"I fear, too early: for my mind misgives Some consequence yet hanging in the stars Shall bitterly begin his fearful date With this night's revels and expire the term Of a despised life closed within my breast By some vile forfeit of untimely death. But He, that hath the steerage of my course, Direct my sail! On, lusty gentlemen," I said as we walked off.


	5. Chapter 5

After taking the drugs Mercutio had given me, I walked into the party.

I saw Mercutio singing in drag, Tybalt kissing his own aunt, and the room spinning.

 _"Never leave..."_

Then, Tybalt growled at me!

"The drugs must be kicking in," I said to myself.

 _"Young hearts_

 _Run free_

 _Never be hung up, hung up like my man and me_

 _Young hearts_

 _To yourself, be true_

 _Don't be no fool, when love really don't love you_

 _Don't love you..."_

Horrified, I turned around and tried to leave but was stopped by Juliet's father.

"Ahhh! I have seen the day That I could tell A whispering tale in a fair lady's ear, Such as would please," he said before singing opera.

Juliet's POV

"God, this is embarrassing," I told Benvolio.

"What is?"

"That all this is going on in _my_ mansion!" I said.

"I've got an idea," said Benvolio under his breath.

I leaned close to him and he whispered in my ear, "We're going to make everyone who attended this party think it was all some crazy dream."

"But how?" I said.

Romeo's POV

All of a sudden, the room started to fill with sleeping gas.

I held my breath for as long as possible, watching everyone falling to the floor, one by one.

But alas, I could not hold my breath any longer. I inhaled deeply, then fell to sleep.

Juliet's POV

I put on a gas mask and gave Benvolio a thumbs up signal.

He put on his gas mask.

We walked over to Romeo.

He was so cute when he was asleep.

"Sweet dreams, Romeo," I said softly.

Benvolio helped me lift him and carry him to the car.

We loaded him in the back.

"Uh, Benvolio, don't you think we should take care of everyone else? They're not going to think it was a dream if they all wake up at my mansion," I said.

We went back to the mansion.

"How many of them will fit at a time?" I asked.

"About three," said Benvolio.

When we were done returning everyone to their respective homes, we went back to the Montague household.

I tucked Romeo in.

"May you be blessed with a good night's sleep," I said.


	6. Chapter 6

Romeo's POV

I woke up and yawned.

I had had the oddest dream. I dreamt that Mercutio was dancing in drag, and Tybalt was dancing with his aunt, and Mister Capulet was singing opera.

I didn't breathe a word about it to anyone. It was so awkward. The only thing I wanted to talk about was this Paris guy.

I visited Juliet when I got the chance.

Juliet's POV

"Juliet, I need to talk to you," said Romeo.

"No, Romeo," I said.

"Why not?" asked Romeo.

" _No,_ Romeo," I repeated.

"That's not an answer..." said Romeo.

"Because I am engaged," I told him.

"Engaged? To whom?" asked Romeo.

"To Paris," I answered.

"Paris? You hate him!" said Romeo.

"But Romeo, he is not like thou. He respects me!"

"Respects you? If he respected your feelings he would let you talk to me. He knows you love me," said Romeo.

"That's not what I meant by respect," I said.

"Then what _did_ you mean?" said Romeo.

"He cares about me," I said.

"I care about you," said Romeo.

"He is not selfish!" I said.

I wanted to tell Romeo that I loved him and not Paris, but I knew I couldn't.


	7. Chapter 7

"Listen to me Juliet," said Romeo.

"You have to leave, now," I said.

"No, just listen to me!" said Romeo. "For I do love thee."

I sighed.

"And thou do love me."

I rolled my eyes.

"We will be together... forever... and ever.

Divorce, we will never.

You are like an angel sent from the heavens above

For the pure sake of love

I dreamt a dream last night

And it was quite a fright

But it meant something to me

That as long as I am with thee

Things will never go wrong

So long as we don't hear that terrible song

You were sent to guide me, to give me hope

And after we elope

Never will you mope

For you will finally be free

From the chains that bound thee."

I was speechless.

"That's really sweet, Romeo, but... how are we going to do this?" I said.


	8. Chapter 8

All of a sudden I heard footsteps.

"Romeo, you've got to hide. Now!" I said.

Romeo ran and hid.

"Good evening. Well, aren't you looking lovely tonight?" said Paris.

"Paris, I, uh..."

"Yes?" said Paris.

"Never mind," I said.

He took my hand and led me to his Ferrari.


	9. Chapter 9

Romeo's POV

I went back home. I had a few minutes of peace and quiet before my cousin would return. I lay in bed and pulled the covers over me. I closed my eyes and began to rest. After a few minutes, I was awoken.

"Hey, Romeo," said Benvolio.

"Oh, look at the time! I have to go," I said nervously before running out of the house.


	10. Chapter 10

The next day, Paris arrived in his Ferrari with Juliet. She stepped out of the car and thanked him for giving him a ride home. Little did she know, this wasn't her home, it was my house! As he drove off, Juliet smirked and headed to the door. She headed up the doorsteps and then knocked on my door. I excitedly ran downstairs. I opened the door. "Juliet!" I said happily. We embraced.

"Where's Benvolio?" she asked.

"He's asleep," I said.

Juliet nodded. "Oh, Romeo, I'm so sorry I had to go," she said.

"That's okay, Juliet. No need to fret," I said.


	11. Chapter 11

I turned around and got ready to show Juliet around. All of a sudden, I was hit in the chest with a tranquilizer dart. I narrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "What was that?" I asked Juliet. She shrugged.

"Come with me, I'll give you a tour of the place," I said. I took her hand. No need to worry about the dart yet. Unlike sleeping gas, tranquilizer darts took several minutes to take affect. That was enough time to show Juliet the whole of my home.


	12. Chapter 12

"This is the kitchen," I said.

Juliet yawned.

I took her to the dining room.

"This is the dining room," I said.

I showed her to my room.

"This is my room. I share it with Benvolio," I said.

"What about that?" she said pointing to the bunk bed. "Aren't you a little old to be sleeping in a bunk bed?"

"Too old? There's no such thing as too old for a bunk bed," I said.

"This is so gay," I heard someone say.

It was my cousin Benvolio. He entered the room.

"What is?" I asked.

"Just look at this place. Teddy bears, dolls, coloring books, pink covers, cute drawings of bunnies, sunhats hung up on the walls for decoration, more dolls under the bed, pink shirts, a shirt that says "love and peace", a tank top, a pretty closet, a wardrobe, a little desk next to the bed, a cute little table with teacups, a pair of purple socks, posters of Leonardo DiCaprio..."

"Okay, I get the idea!" I said in annoyance.

Benvolio was such a tease. Sometimes I wanted to punch him. He had no respect for me. I was starting to wonder if he was the one who shot me with the tranquilizer gun.


	13. Chapter 13

"Look, cuz," he said slapping his hand on my back, "... if you want to impress a girl, you have to not look gay. You want to look like a straight guy. Or she'll lose interest in you."

Annoyed, I pushed his hand off of me and rolled my eyes.

"I had to tranq you to keep you from embarrassing yourself," he said. "It'll take a few minutes, but it'll be worth it once it kicks in, lil bro," he said. Even though I wasn't his brother.

"I just put you down for a nap. Once you're down, I'll put you in your old baby carrier."

"My old baby carrier? I won't be able to fit anymore!" I said.

"I modified it so it would be big enough for you," he said.

My eyes widened.


	14. Chapter 14

About and hour, later, I woke up in my old baby carrier. It was much bigger than I remembered.

"Rise n' shine, cuz. Did you have a nice nap?" said Benvolio.

Angrily, I got myself out of the baby carrier.

"Oh, look at the time! Ready to... do it?" asked Juliet.


	15. Chapter 15

Once we were in bed, I lay on top of Juliet and penetrated her with my manly parts.

We made crazy sex noises for the next half hour.

Finally, we had run out of sex drive.

Then Benvolio came in.

"Sorry, Romeo, but... you're going to have to sleep outside," said Juliet.

"What? You can't kick me out! This is _my_ house! _You_ sleep outside," I said.


	16. Chapter 16

Next thing I knew, I was outside on the deck and was freezing my butt off. How could Juliet do this to me? I thought she loved me! Actually, come to think of it, it didn't seem out of character for her to do something like this. She didn't even bring me my cover she or my pillow. I sighed and turned over, trying to get comfortable, which was pretty much impossible.


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning it was still freezing. I knocked on the deck door. No one heard. I knocked again, is time louder. Juliet walked over to the door and slid it open to let me in.

"Romeo, I vomited last night. I think I have a fever," I said.

"Poor Juliet," said Benvolio sympathetically.

"Yes, poor Juliet. She's not the one who almost froze to death!" I said angrily.

"On the bright side... I think I'm pregnant!" she added happily.


	18. Chapter 18

"What?" I said in shock.

"I said, I think I'm pregnant!" said Juliet.

That was the last thing I remember before I passed out.


	19. Chapter 19

It had been six months since Juliet gave birth. Ever since Juliet and I got married, Benvolio had been missing me a lot. Now he had no one to tease! I walked over the to baby's crib. "Ever since Juliet had you, she hasn't been paying me any attention. Well, that's about to change," I said taking out a pistol and pointing it at the baby.

Just then, Juliet came in. I quickly hid the gun behind my back. "Hey guys, I made you some fudgesicles," she said. She handed us each a fudgsicle.

Then she left the room.

"Anyway, as I was saying..." I said.


	20. Chapter 20

Juliet came back and saw me talking to the baby. She gasped. "Romeo! How dare you use such language in front of a baby!" she said angrily. I got very nervous.


	21. Chapter 21

Once again, I was forced to sleep outside. I sighed. What did I do to deserve this? Besides try to kill a baby. I sadly thought about Juliet. When would she come to her sense and realize I was way cuter and more important than a baby?


	22. Chapter 22

When I came back, Juliet was crying. "Here, maybe this will cheer you up," I said putting a CD in the radio.

 _Once upon a time I was falling in love_

 _Now I'm only falling apart_

 _There's nothing I can do_

 _A total eclipse of the heart_

Juliet started crying.

"What?" I said innocently.


	23. Chapter 23

After I left, I kept pondering whether we should get divorced. Then I remembered my promise to Juliet. I couldn't give up just yet.

Juliet's POV

I opened the door to see Romeo asleep on the floor.

"Awwww," I said.

My smile faded when I noticed a vial... of poison.

"Romeo! Why did you have to go?" I said miserably.

"I couldn't live with thee, knowing there was a baby," he said weakly before he died.

And then I cried. And cried, and cried, and cried.


End file.
